The day I smoked weed and disappeared

The beauty of this story is that most of it is non-fictional.

Everyone remembers his or her first time? Maybe anyway... I remember mine. It was December 2000 in a hotel room in Mombasa. The perfect place to be for your first time.

We (The Eel and I) arrived at the hotel and in 10 minutes, we had found a worker that could hook us up with some. I learnt later that the golden rule is that: "Anywhere in the world, you are always up to a maximum of 15 minutes away from the next weed spot". I believe this. I learnt too that "we are only up to a maximum of six times removed from anyone else on earth". Which means George Bush and Osama bin Laden are not only related, but I am both their distant cousin (or nephew). This weed thing was exciting especially just because I knew I was about to get real naughty. We bought from the pusher worker and kept it safe until late in the evening. We would smoke by the pool.

Poolside, late in the evening: The Eel and I lit up one and basically wasted it. A few quick cautious puffs and its was over. We felt nothing. We had to re-try this shit! We had watched too many movies and listened to too many "indo" and reggae songs in our short lives to give up. We stepped up the smoking. We each lit a joint and proceeded to smoke slowly and hold down the puffs in our virgin lungs for maximum effect. Its started working! It felt good. A super weed song kicked into us simultaneously and we started singing. It was "Something About Mary" by Wyclef Jean... look it up. Its a true weed song. The effects were kicking in. After puffing and holding it down and singing, the Eel and I shared some mints for fresh breath and we headed to our respective rooms. One thing that hits you is how shitty weed can stink.

The Logical Devil and the Scared Angel:
In my room, I could feel myself floating, so I lay on the bed in a effort to counter this. Its seemed to work. Then I suddenly found myself contemplating whether Microsoft was justified to ship out Windows operating system with a pre-installed browser (Internet Explorer) or they should let me, the customer, choose my own, that way giving Netscape and the others a fighting chance. There was a huge lawsuit going on at the time. The weed in my system translated it to: "Do I buy salted peanuts, or do I buy peanuts and salt them how I want?" This debate ended and others with similar weed translations followed - weed gives you very interesting dimensions about things. I created two characters in my head and they took opposing sides of the debates. I later named these characters the logical devil and the scared angel.

Logical Devil: "Do you see the stars in the sky?"

Scared Angel: "Yes?..."

Logical Devil: "I think its God's salt.... and he is waiting to eat us!"

They debated on and on to the point of mental exhaustion. I was still lying there on the bed like a fallen mannequin while all these weed debates were going on. I decided to make a move or I was going to go nuts!

Logical Devil: "You can be overwhelmed; and you can be underwhelmed..."

Scared Angel: "Aha..."

Logical Devil: "Can you just be... whelmed?"

Scared Angel (after a looong pause of thought.....): "Maybe in England"

At this point the logical devil remembered watching Icecube in "Friday" going to the bathroom to wash his face to clear up his head. At that point "Friday" seemed to be a good movie to base my life decisions on. So I decided to do the same. If anyone thinks these movies add zero positive value, I am here blogging that they do have impact and value!

Scared Angel: "Go throw some water on your face and freshen up then sleep off the weed and wake up fresh."

Me: "Okay."

So I woke up, walked to the bathroom, turned on the light, walked to the sink, looked at my haggard self in the mirror, opened the tap, felt the water on my hands, lifted it to my face and splashed it all over the face to feel fresh... I snapped! Reality slapped me! I was... still in bed in the same fallen mannequin position! Shit! Had I hallucinated all that? It was sooo vivid. I remembered walking, turning on the lights, water on my hands!!

Logical Devil: "Take it easy, it was a hallucination, just a harmless fucking dream; now get up for real and go wash your face!"

Me: "Okay."

Scared Angel: "Hmm... Okay."

So I woke up.... walked to the bathroom.... turned on the light (again, and it came on), walked to the sink, looked at my haggard, mentally-exhausted self in the mirror (and saw my reflection), opened the tap, felt the water on my hands (beyond doubt I am in the bathroom, right?), lifted it to my face and splashed it all my countenance it to feel fresh (eh?)...

I snapped! Reality kicked me in the ass! I was... still in bed like the same fallen mannequin! The fan was above me and bed covers below me, and fucking pillows! Shit! I had hallucinated all that AGAIN? It was sooo vivid (again!). I remembered walking, turning on the lights, water on my hands!! SHIT! That was some harsh weed. I started panicking; I needed the weed outta the system real quick. The only way to start this was to freshen up and I wasn't even getting to the freaking bathroom!

Scared Angel: "Fuck! My life is ruined! I will be institutionalized!"

Me: "Why the fuck did I have to smoke!"

Logical Devil: "Both of you shut the fuck up! You hallucinated vividly, so what? You think you're the first one to smoke a joint? Get your black ass up and into the bathroom and quit crying like a little bitch!"

Me and Scared Angel: "Okay"

This time I took a huge breath, did some Yoga shit where I saw myself succeeding in my mind beforehand, then woke up....walked to the bathroom.... turned on the light (again, and it came on), walked to the sink, looked at my haggard self in the mirror (and saw my relection), did a little weed dance and waved at the reflection to make sure i was there... reflection responded correctly... opened the tap very very slowly, felt the water on my hands for a looong time before lifting it up... lifted it to my face, looked in the mirror JUST ONE MORE TIME to make sure!!!... and splashed all over it to feel fresh...

(... pause for dramatic effect...)

Reality kneed me in the groin. I was STILL on the fucking bed. Now that I tell this story its feels repetitive...but I was still there. SHIT!!!

Scared Angel: "I am soo scared. I think I am going to pee my pants. I am too young to go nuts, somebody take me to hospital!!!"

Me: "Shit, I am quivering in fear!"

Logical Devil: "You guys shut up and lemme think!... Okay, this is the plan..."

Me and Scared Angel were all ears.

Logical Devil: "You will get up, march to the damn bathroom but before you do anything, look back at the bed and make sure you don't see yourself there! If you see yourself still on the bed looking like a zombie, then you're freaking hallucinating again... okay???"

Me: "Yes, yes, great plan"

Scared Angel: "I have a question. What happens if we see ourselves on the bed? What should we do?"

Me: "Yes, yes, good question"

Logical Devil: "Simple! You will go over to yourself, wake yourself up, then ask the guy on the bed - yourself - if he can see you. If he cannot, you're freaking hallucinating again... okay???"

Me: "Yes, yes, brilliant!"

Scared Angel: "Hmmm... What if you wake him up and indeed he can see you? What the fuck does that mean? That there are now two of you in some new space time continuum, extra dimension sort of shit??"

Me: "Shit, I am getting scared again. Once again, why the fuck did I smoke this shit!! Lets just work with the assumption that he is not on the bed and we have really woken up this time."

Scared Angel: "Well, okay. But then again, what if he wasn't on the bed but we couldn't see our reflection in the mirror once we're in the bathroom?? Does that mean... Ohmigosh, does that mean that we have disappeared altogether??"

Me (crying like a little bitch): "I need my mummy!! Get me out of here!! I cannot be going nuts and disappear at the same time. Somebody help, heeelp!!!."

Logical Devil: "Quiet! Shut up and lemme think!! Just make a move. Wake up again and try... MOVE!!!"

I took many huge breaths, and made a move. At the bathroom door, I froze! I had to turn to look back at the bed. I didn't know what to expect... I was afraid either way. I turned very very slowly with the most perturbed look on my face.

THE BED WAS EMPTY! Great news; Woohoo!!

Now I had to make sure I had a reflection in the bathroom mirror. If you've been with me this far, I thank you for feeling my pain. A friend in weed (times) is a friend indeed. I moved super slowly towards the sink and the mirror. This time just to make sure, I was touching the walls, floor, etc. with my hands. Even poking myself with my finger to see if it went through. I was delirious. This was going to be my weed moment of truth.

I looked at the mirror...

THERE WAS NO REFLECTION!!!

My heart stopped, for a couple of seconds anyway. I thought I was going to pass out. I had.... DISAPPEARED! I started passing out...just as I was passing out... Snap! Reality hit me with a truck!

STILL ON THE DAMN BED!